I can see it. The light at the end of the tunnel. Its faint, but it is there giving me hope. This has been a long stressful semester with traveling to medical school interviews, putting together my thesis, and taking on extra responsibilities as a research assistant at the local cancer center. Yes, my training has taken a hit once again but its not non-existent. I’m trying this thing called “balance” which every medical student I have met so far has told me is crucial once I start my medical education. I think I’m getting there, but I’m only human and the stress sometimes gets the better of me.
For example, a couple days ago I tried twice to get on my trainer and get an hour in. First in the morning, but I was feeling very dehydrated and mentally preoccupied with my thesis and the fact that my grandmother had died 3 years ago that day. I began crying on the bike and only got 24 slow minutes in.
Later that day, I was feeling a little better so I tried again. My body still felt extremely dehydrated, and my legs felt like a ton of bricks. My heart rate was off the charts and I was barely pedaling at 12mph. Again, I was preoccupied with everything I had to do for school and work and I let it affect me physically. I did get 40 minutes in though, so cumulatively I got over an hour in!
This is a strange moment in my life and I’m trying hard not to completely lose it. I’ve been wait-listed at several schools, my data analysis was not going as planned for my thesis, I’m behind on the mountain of stuff I have to finish at work, and I’m trying to lose weight. A few days ago I started feeling very depressed. I felt I had no control over anything, and began feeling the way I did when I was suffering though the eating disorder. Controlling what goes into your body seems mighty tempting when everything else around you feels like its spiraling out of control. That is the basis of an eating disorder, after all.
But I quickly removed that line of thought from my mind. I can’t go there again. Sure…did I purposefully skip dinner yesterday and get a sick good feeling knowing I was lighter this morning? Yes. I admit it. You never 100% recover from this. But I realize that was wrong and not going to get me where I need to go. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is keeping me from slipping back into that darkness.